2012 and the gift of NOW

I'm walking along a clean foggy road in my neighbourhood and it's a beautiful day. The stretch of the road reminds me of an unseen future which lies ahead, trees and general road stuff surround me. The past is there too, but today I prefer to walk forward: to live in the present, and truly see all the good things in the world.

 The air is  chilly but pleasant. Fleecing clouds float high in the bright blue sky, and the sunlight glitters and shines off the houses and cars in the distance. People walk and ride bicycles in the park adjoining the road. They talk and point, and laugh together, as they enjoy the day off from work. What a beautiful and peaceful scene it is!

My heart is full of joy and positivity as I remember that it is New Year's Day. A day to start afresh and to I feel overwhelming gratitude for the gift of life that God has given me. I pass by a man and his wife, the wife holding tightly onto her husband's hand, dhe keepd giggling and whispering in his ear. His face is a study in pure joy and wonder, as he looks out over the miles of open road, green trees, and towering hunks of wet clouds of their brand new lives. It is the beginning of a beginning, and tears gather in my eyes with the power and sweetness of this simple thought.

A man sits on a rock and gazes into the distance. He looks sad and forlorn, as the breeze blows by and makes the leaves flutter on the tree next to him, in this lonely scene. I am reminded of other days in the past when sadness and hopelessness were my only companions. I say a silent prayer for him, and profound thanks, to God, for me. Then I walk on.

A bunch of kids crouch next to a bicycle, the tyres are flat but they are smiling and bickering as children do. As they look up, I grin and say "Happy New Year"! They grin and laugh, and wish me the same. It is a simple thing, but for a moment we have become one with the world and a sudden joyful exhilaration takes my breath away.

An old woman stands on the verandah of her home, gazing in the endless sky trying to relive her past, I guess. She doesn't seem either happy or sad, just gazes into the past, or maybe the future. I wonder what her ageing, but graceful eyes have witnessed, in the time that she has spent in this world. Where has she been? A lifetime of memories are held and hidden behind her eyes. Timeless peace flows within me and all fear of what the future may bring drains away. I thank her with my heart, and I walk ahead.

I stand outside home, the twinkling white light from my room reminds me of a warm place which will never let go off me. I walk and trees sway in the wind. An excited cackle of cheerful chirping and tweeting erupts , and I can't help but laugh out loud. As I reach home, go inside, and close the door, I say "Thank You" to God for the gift of life. It has taken a long time to find it, I know how to open the door again, when the time is right. I know that whatever the new year will bring, there will be joy, and enough treasures of "now" to help me through the hard times that we all must face.

Happy New Year....

The Solitary Rose

A dedication by an unknown poet to all those who dared to love and thrive in it. A dedication to someone special. Take care Fiona.


A solitary rose grew in the darkest corner of the garden
Surrounded by many others
Yet remained alone

Time passed and trials came and went
One dealt a severe blow
And the rose began to wilt and wither

Forgotten...

Then... as if by a miracle...

There came a soft and gentle breeze
Followed by a ray of light
As all the other roses fell into darkness
The solitary rose began to shine

Shining with a special light...
And watered by a gentle cascade...
A cascade of love
A cascade of selfless affection

"I do... not now but forever..."
Said the rose to the sunlight
And there they remain
A rose in full bloom
With her sunshine smiling down on her...

You are my sunshine, my life, my very soul
And I your rose blooming in the light of your love.

Forgiving Yourself So That You Can Forgive Others

As a grown up I have made some choices in life which proved to be wrong and again I laid such deep seated pain onto my own shoulders due to the guilt. In times such as this we tend to hold ourselves to harsher judgment then we do others. Suddenly those little things we did that seemed so small before are now these looming bright blemishes on our lives and we see them as unforgivable. These emotions can quickly snowball into a mess of trouble. Suddenly I viewed everything and everyone touched as if they were my victims. I reached a point where I had little joy left deep inside of myself because all I could understand through the fog was that I was ruining all the hopes and dreams of those I loved, even though that was not true.

By judging myself I was unable to let go off things which were harming me.

All we can think of is "What if I had done...?", "If only I had been there..." or "I wish I had told them...." These are only a way for us to wrongly lay the guilt upon ourselves for things we had no control over.

Some people linger at the stage of blaming themselves for a short while and some much longer. There are no rules regarding how long it takes to cope with emotions as strong as these. However, I had to realize that we must face these feelings of guilt to put them to rest. We can't ignore it hoping it will go away. The only way to get past something is through it.

We must travel through it to get to the other side. We can't side-step it or jump over it.
Understanding this will lead us to understand that we are special and if we demean someone and regret it then we deserve forgiveness and vice versa.

Have you ever had to forgive a child of a mistake or for breaking something? Do you remember the gentleness you felt towards a child or a sibling? What about the forgiveness you have held in your heart for those who have wronged you?

It's funny that we can readily forgive those around us, yet we can not seem to find compassion in our hearts for ourselves.

We must search ourselves in-depth for the goodness we hold. There is good in every situation, we just have to seek it out.

Lost!

I ponder what is this feeling,
so deep inside of me?
What is this chilly breeze?
So chilly that it almost numbs almost hurts...

I've always been on my own,
I've always been alone,
And just when I thought I will find myself,
I know I would lose it all.


What is this cold breeze?
So cold that it almost hurts...
My empty bosom,
And the fact that I'm alone...
Once again...
On my own...


Walking forward with hands in pockets,
Walking down on the frozen road,
Lost in this fogginess,
Lost in the storm...

The Taxi Ride

Few years ago, I drove a taxi for a living. It was not an aimless life, rather it was a life for someone who wanted no boss. What I did not realize was that it was also a ministry. As I drove the night shift, my taxi became a moving confessional. Passengers climbed in, sat behind me in total anonymity and told me about their lives. I encountered people whose lives amazed me, ennobled me and some made me laugh and weep.
However, none touched me more than a woman I picked up late one night, it was a beautiful night during the bloom of spring.
I was responding to a call from a small brick fourplex in a quiet part of town. I assumed I was being sent to pick up some partiers, or someone who just had a fight with a lover, or a worker heading to an early shift at some factory in the industrial part of town.

When I arrived at 10.00pm., the building was dark except for a single light in the ground floor window. Under these circumstances, many drivers would just honk once or twice, wait a minute and then drive away. Nevertheless, I had seen too many impoverished people who depended on taxis as their only means of transportation. Unless a situation smelled of danger, I will always go to the door.

“This passenger might be someone who needs my assistance.” I reasoned to myself. Hence, I walked to the door and knocked.
"Just a minute." Answered a frail, elderly voice.

I could hear something being dragged across the floor. The door opened after a long pause. A small woman in her eighties stood before me. She was wearing a print dress and a pillbox hat with a veil pinned on it. She looked like she came out of a 1940s movie. There was a small nylon suitcase by her side. The apartment looked as if no one had lived in it for years. All the furniture was covered with sheets. There were no clocks on the walls and no knickknacks or utensils on the counters. There was a cardboard box filled with photos and glassware in the corner.
"Would you carry my bag out to the car?" She said.

I took the suitcase to the taxi and then returned to assist the woman. She took my arm and we walked slowly towards the taxi.
She kept thanking me for my kindness.

"It's nothing." I told her.
"I just try to treat my passengers the way I would want my mother to be treated."
"Oh, you're such a good boy." She said.
When we got into the taxi, she gave me an address and asked, "Could you drive through downtown?"
"It's not the shortest way." I answered quickly.
"Oh, I don't mind." She said.
"I'm in no hurry. I'm on my way to a hospice".
I looked in the rear view mirror. Her eyes were glistening.
"I don't have any family left." She continued.
"The doctor says I don't have much time left."
I quietly reached over and shut off the meter.
"What route would you like me to take?" I asked.

We drove through the city for the next two hours. She showed me the building where she had once worked as an elevator operator. We drove through the neighborhood where she and her husband had lived when they were newlyweds. She had me pull up in front of a furniture warehouse that had once been a ballroom where she had gone dancing as a girl. Sometimes she would ask me to slow in front of a particular building or corner and would stare into the darkness, saying nothing.
At the first hint of the sun creasing the horizon, she suddenly said, "I'm tired. Let's go now."
We drove in silence to the address she had given me. It was a low building, like a small convalescent home, with a driveway that passed under a portico. Two orderlies came out to the taxi as soon as we pulled up. They were solicitous and they watched her every move. They must have been expecting her.

I opened the trunk and took the small suitcase to the door. The woman was already seated in a wheelchair.
"How much do I owe you?" She asked, reaching into her purse.
"Nothing." I said.
"You have to make a living." She answered.
"There are other passengers." I responded.
I bent and gave her a hug almost without thinking. She held onto me tightly.
"You gave an old woman a little moment of joy." She said.
"Thank you."

I squeezed her hand and then walked into the dim morning light. The door shut behind me. It was the sound of the closing of a life.

I didn't pick up any more passengers during that shift. I drove aimlessly, lost in thought. For the rest of that day, I could hardly talk. What if that woman had gotten an angry driver or one who was impatient to end his shift? What if I had refused to take her as a passenger, or had honked once, then driven away? On a quick review, I don't think that I have done anything more important in my life. We're conditioned to think that our lives revolve around great moments. However, great moments often catch us unaware - beautifully wrapped in what others may consider a small one.

People May Not Remember Exactly What You Did, Or What You Said, But They Will Always Remember How You Made Them Feel.

You will Always be in My Heart

It was cold, extremely cold. The devilish howls of the wind did not make me feel any better. In fact, it taunted me with strong gales of freezing air, biting through my skin. I shuddered. Thunderous growls from angry storm clouds shook the world around me, accompanied by illuminated streaks of lightning that forcefully struck and destroyed everything.

For once, I felt this mounting fear building up deep within myself. I was afraid, without you by my side. I enjoyed reminiscing on the days that we are together; huddling by the fireplace on stormy nights together, kissing in the morning sun together, kicking autumn leaves with hands held tight together, reading a book by the beach together, gazing at each other during romantic dinners, talking about our dreams while lying side by side in bed, frolicking in the sea together. We were just so comfortable having each other as a life-long companion, just so in love, just having so much fun and just knowing we will be there for each other. The feeling is simply magical.

I could never bear to leave you, I could never live without you, and you are me, the reason for my existence. You are everything that I ever wanted in a friend. You are my best friend. The one I know I can always count on forever, the one I know that will never leave me in times of adversity and the one that loves me with all her heart. But alas, we are apart but you will always be beside me, be with me, in the most scared place of my heart – my temple of love.

I had to choke back my tears as sensations of warmth shook me. Just thinking of you was enough to invigorate all my senses to make me feel so alive, to feel you, thinking of me too. As hearts connect,  I felt the emotions running through every single cell in my body. I felt so snug at that moment, despite the given dire weather conditions as though you are by my side. Thoughts of you had always warmed my heart so much that it felt like you were holding me tight in your arms, loving me so.

As I was lingering on the sweetness of the moment, a bright light descended before me.

At that instance, a feeling of familiarity overcame me. I was face to face with this pair of beautiful brown eyes that I had always sought solace in. I felt the soft caress of your tender fingers scaling down my cheek. I trembled with excitement, knowing it was you.

You kissed me softly upon my lips, leaving me hungering for more. My heart was racing and my surroundings seem to be Utopia as your beauty transformed everything for me.

I needed you so much.

I needed you to just hug me tight and say you love me, over again and again.

Having you leaning against my chest seemed to appease the angry weather gods as our true love manifested to the heavens as a feeling of purity. The dark clouds parted, with the sun’s rays streaming in, reviving Mother Nature from her deep slumber in this desolate part of the earth.

As the image of you faded away slowly, being blown away by the wind with the morning dew forming the most memorable backdrop, I know that you, you will always reside in my heart forever, no matter the distance between us because true love exists, anywhere…

Fiona: Through My Eyes

I never thought I would fall in love with a picture. A beautiful picture of a woman staring up at space. She had this amazing gift of loving herself and loving those who mattered. She thought that she was the most awesome person alive and it made me smile. It made me smile cause i did not know her, i had just seen her picture and i was already in love with her.

I so wanted to know her, I craved for her, I kept thinking about her. My days and nights were a haze as her thoughts occupied my mind. But how would I know her when she did not even know i existed.

Finally I had the courage to speak with her. She blew me off my feet. It was as if I had finally met my match, a girl so pure and so set in her passions that it was impossible to change her beliefs. I was in love, I knew that i was hopelessly in love. I had never felt so content, she did not know that I loved her, she just knew me as a person living on this planet and thats it, yes she knew I was alive at some part of the world but she did not know how much i loved her.'

The beauty of this one sided relationship was i was so content, I did not want anything in return, I just loved to see her smile, I would look at her picture for hours and smile on my own. I needed nothing more than to know that she was happy. Yes, people found it stupid but it did not bother me.

Then one fine day, she called me.... we spoke and we never stopped talking.

I had a feeling I would never ask anything of her.. atleast anything whch she would not be able to give me. I do not know why she loved me so much. Sometimes I wonder did she ever love me? I tell myself that these are negative thoughts which have no sense in them. But the fact is she is not with me today.

I do not know what to think or what not to as there are times when you feel helpless that even letting go seems impossible.

But I am happy that I got to know her, in knowing her I felt alive. I felt loved.

Though I would never see her again but my love will live on.

The Day I Kissed Air

You chased after me. I shove open the door with a deafening crash, slamming it against the wall. You run and call my name, random words and meaningless phrases. The late evening dusk is golden yellow and runs through me without notice. The suitcase in hand is full and barren and void like a desert; what do I have to take it with me when you've plundered and stolen everything else? The sight of the road pains me, so many memories but the train station is in sight. I walk ahead.

You caught my hand. As you wretch my body to face towards you, your gasps surge down my face and your dark eyes distort, wild with fear. You ask me stupidly if I was really going. When I recoil away, you pluck me back again as if I am a flower that bends away from your oppressive wind. Staring at me to the point of being a glare, you tell me not to leave. My dress slides easily over my body like the ocean's waters; what happened to the love that was born that day I first touched the sea's tears? A distant ringing weaves in between us like a fluttering butterfly, warning me that the train was leaving. I start to tear away..

You drew my bosom to yours. As I try to break free again, you yank me in and your cold lips presses against mine, your thighs caresses me. Your hand screens and masks my cheek. For a moment, I forget my anger and everything seems right again. But I remember her, the one who destroyed everything that was right between us. I can feel the cold ring on your finger that presses against my cheek like a cold glass window; why did you care if you had her? A hard slap across the face shatters our contact. Hot angry tears scald my eyes and face. I turn away, knowing that if my graze crosses yours I would lose sight of all reason to leave, to become your chained prisoner again. My eyes didn't catch yours.

The hard road pounds against my feet. My sandals unravel then fall away, allowing loose stones to claw and to slice at my skin. The torrid heat parches my already impoverished throat. Then your voice screams the phrase that threatens to draw me back and make my tears storm for you. To weep for the paradise lost to us. Those two words still rings in my ear as my feet whisk me away. Don't go

Screech! The ear-piercing sound as the train shrieks to a stop slaps me out of my shrouding thoughts. I look up. I'm alone on this platform with only the dry wind as my companion. I see myself standing, abandoned on the forsaken platform like the sole survivor standing in the scorching desolation of an all-consuming firestorm.

Then I remember. When I left, you didn't chase after me or catch my hand or kiss me or beg me to stay. You didn't care enough to come after me. You chose her and forgot me.

You didn't follow.

The sliding door glides open before me with a low hiss. Staring over my shoulder one last time, there is only empty space waiting for me on the tiled platform. Then I wrap my hand around the handle to hoist myself up onto the lined steps.

Suddenly, something wispy curls around my wrist, stopping me. There you were, the most perfect mirage that my delusional mind could create. This apparition has the special scent that you had. Your echoing words of don't go, like the last dying notes of a love song...

I am shocked to find that even shaking my head was difficult. Your eyes convey the deepest regret that would've never appeared on your real face and warmth spreads from me for this flawless illusion that takes your smooth features. Before I can stop myself, I close my eyes and lean forward. My lips touch yours so tenderly.

To the world, I was just kissing air. Maybe I was just kissing my heart good-bye. But that last fleeting kiss, like a grazing butterfly, tasted like the salty tears of a far away ocean where a love was once born.

If only you cared enough to follow.

And I stepped on the train all alone.

Curtains.

Hmmm Yeah. Its Required

It’s never easy when a marriage or other significant relationship ends. Whatever the reason for the split – and whether or not you wanted it – the breakup of a long-term, committed relationship can turn your whole world upside down and trigger all sorts of painful and unsettling feelings. But there are things you can do to get through this difficult time. Even in the midst of the sadness and stress of a divorce or breakup, you have an opportunity to learn from the experience and grow into a stronger, wiser person.

Why do breakups hurt so much, even when the relationship is no longer good? A divorce or breakup is painful because it represents the loss, not just of the relationship, but also of shared dreams and commitments. Romantic relationships begin on a high note of excitement and hope for the future. When these relationships fail, we experience profound disappointment, stress, and grief.

A breakup or divorce launches us into uncharted territory. Everything is disrupted: your routine and responsibilities, your home, your relationships with extended family and friends, and even your identity. A breakup brings uncertainty about the future. What will life be like without your partner? Will you find someone else? Will you end up alone? These unknowns often seem worse than an unhappy relationship.

Recovering from a breakup or divorce is difficult. However, it’s important to know (and to keep reminding yourself) that you can and will move on. But healing takes time, so be patient with yourself.

Coping with separation and divorce
Recognize that it’s OK to have different feelings. It’s normal to feel sad, angry, exhausted, frustrated, and confused—and these feelings can be intense. You also may feel anxious about the future. Accept that reactions like these will lessen over time. Even if the marriage was unhealthy, venturing into the unknown is frightening.

Give yourself a break. Give yourself permission to feel and to function at a less than optimal level for a period of time. You may not be able to be quite as productive on the job or care for others in exactly the way you’re accustomed to for a little while. No one is superman or superwoman; take time to heal, regroup, and re-energize.

Don’t go through this alone. Sharing your feelings with friends and family can help you get through this period. Consider joining a support group where you can talk to others in similar situations. Isolating yourself can raise your stress levels, reduce your concentration, and get in the way of your work, relationships, and overall health. Don’t be afraid to get outside help if you need it.

Allow yourself to grieve the loss of the relationship
Grief is a natural reaction to loss, and the breakup or divorce of a love relationship involves multiple losses:

Loss of companionship and shared experiences (which may or may not have been consistently pleasurable)

Loss of support, be it financial, intellectual, social, or emotional

Loss of hopes, plans, and dreams (can be even more painful than practical losses)

Allowing yourself to feel the pain of these losses may be scary. You may fear that your emotions will be too intense to bear, or that you’ll be stuck in a dark place forever. Just remember that grieving is essential to the healing process. The pain of grief is precisely what helps you let go of the old relationship and move on. And no matter how strong your grief, it won’t last forever.

Reach out to others for support through the grieving process
Support from others is critical to healing after a breakup or divorce. You might feel like being alone, but isolating yourself will only make this time more difficult. Don’t try to get through this on your own.

Reach out to trusted friends and family members. People who have been through painful breakups or divorces can be especially helpful. They know what it is like and they can assure you that there is hope for healing and new relationships.

Spend time with people who support, value, and energize you. As you consider who to reach out to, choose wisely. Surround yourself with people who are positive and who truly listen to you. It’s important that you feel free to be honest about what you’re going through, without worrying about being judged, criticized, or told what to do.

Get outside help if you need it. If reaching out to others doesn’t come naturally, consider seeing a counselor or joining a support group. The most important thing is that you have at least one place where you feel comfortable opening up.

Cultivate new friendships. If you feel like you have lost your social network along with the divorce or breakup, make an effort to meet new people. Join a networking group or special interest club, take a class, get involved in community activities, or volunteer at a school, place of worship, or other community organization.

Learning important lessons from a divorce or breakup

In times of emotional crisis, there is an opportunity to grow and learn. Just because you are feeling emptiness in your life right now, doesn’t mean that nothing is happening or that things will never change. Consider this period a time-out, a time for sowing the seeds for new growth. You can emerge from this experience knowing yourself better and feeling stronger.

In order to fully accept a breakup and move on, you need to understand what happened and acknowledging the part you played. It’s important to understand how the choices you made affected the relationship. Learning from your mistakes is the key to not repeating them.